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Have you ever looked up and seen a flock of birds flying? I love the way they look, how they all move together and in the same direction. 

When Adam told me about Beike and the new experimental treatment for optic nerve atrophy I was VERY apprehensive. (I am a person who really does not like change). I thought that since he had lived this long with his condition, why would he want to change it now? This is the way God made him; shouldn’t he just accept it and be happy? Then I saw the birds, a beautiful flock of these little black birds. I don’t know where they came from, and I don’t know where they were going, but for a few minutes they just flew around and around making arcs in the sky.  I was thinking about Adam and as I watched the birds, I realized that Adam would not even be able to see them. It was at that moment that I recognized how selfish my thoughts were and agreed that Adam should try the stem cell treatment.  Even if his vision did not increase to 20/20, any improvement would be just that, an improvement on what he already has. Maybe one day Adam would be able to see those birds and enjoy them as much as I did.

Birds are not the only thing Adam is missing. Driving is the big thing. I drive Adam everywhere he needs to go. I don’t mind it at all; it gives us some extra time together. However, I know that he would love to just go some places on his own, like boys night out, or out for ice cream during those late night cravings. Also, I have to admit that I would LOVE it if he would be able to go to Home Depot by himself!! Have you ever tried shopping at Home Depot with your spouse and four children in tow? Let me just say it is an experience! Then, when Adam finds what he wants we need to figure out how we are going to get all the lumber and all the children home again.

I know Adam’s lack of vision is an irritation to him in many different situations. He cannot read the words in the Psalter Hymnal at church and therefore has much difficulty in singing along with the congregation. As a matter of fact, Adam doesn’t read books. The print is too small; even with the large print books it takes too much time, energy, and magnification for Adam to enjoy it. He does listen to books on tape, but it is just not the same.  Once a month our church has a potluck lunch after the service. Adam cannot tell what the food is. So he sits down with our youngest child and saves some seats for the rest of us while I go through the line balancing three plates and guessing what everyone would want to eat. This may seem like a small thing to you, but imagine all that food, all those choices, and not being able to choose. Of course it is the same at any buffet style restaurant and even at a friend’s backyard BBQ.

Adam and I were high school sweet-hearts and over the last 15 years we were married and have had four beautiful children. When we had children it introduced a whole new set of complications. For example, when our children were babies, Adam had a hard time changing diapers because he could not tell when their little bottoms were clean. You may think that this would be a blessing for him, and I guess that to a point it was, but just think about how when you cannot do something it makes you want to do it all the more. As toddlers, before they could comprehend their father’s lack of vision, our children would ask Adam to read to them. Adam would ask them to find the books with the largest print in order to grant their wish. How many of us take reading to our children for granted? As our children continued to grow they tried various sports. As Adam sat in those stands, he would always need me to point out which blurry blob on the court was ours, and yet he watched with just as much pride as every other parent. We usually have family fun night on Friday evenings. Sometimes we watch movies. We have a large screen TV so Adam can see it, but if there are any subtitles someone has to read them out loud for him. Sometimes we play board games. We usually have to tweak our game so Adam can play. Adam cannot play a board game in any other setting but in our home. He cannot read the words on the small cards, and he has a hard time telling colored game pieces apart. We enjoy going to the beach for vacation. At times this can be stressful, especially if there is a large crowd. When Adam is on the beach he cannot tell which people in the ocean are our children. When Adam is in the water, he relies on the children to help him back to our spot. There have been times that the tide has pulled him and the children down the beach, and it takes some patience to figure out their way back. I think about all the things Adam doesn’t see when we go to the zoo, or the aquarium, or even hiking.

 In March our third child, Cora, then 7, was also diagnosed with optic nerve atrophy. Her vision is not as bad as Adam’s, but there is a chance it could get worse. If Adam’s vision improves with the stem cell treatment it might give Cora hope that in the future, if she so desires, then she too could have the treatment.

Adam is a wonderful man. He never complains about his disability, and I believe he is even humbled by it. He does not let his vision get in the way of things that he wants to try. He has played sports throughout his life, even when doctors told him he would not be able to. He does home improvements and even does yard work. I just wonder how much more fulfilling life would be for Adam if he could gain more vision.

Thank you for listening to some of my reflections about the love of my life.

Lori Kitchen

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